theZeph

namely, fit for a dog

Posts Tagged ‘kids

remember two things

with 26 comments

So you know how sometimes you’re doing a thing and then you do a bunch of other things after you did the first thing and then you kind of forgot that you did the first thing?

That happened to me yesterday.

I went for a really great ride up Big Cottonwood Canyon (that was the thing).

Then I met the family halfway down the canyon for pancakes and eggs around the campfire (a great family tradition I married into).  After that we went looking for fireworks and food to celebrate the nation’s birth  (those were the other things).

Upon returning home I learned two things I feel are VERY important to share with you all:

The First Thing

Always, ALWAYS remember after a bike ride (no matter how many things you’ve done in between) that you attached your bike to the roof rack BEFORE you drive into the garage.  Otherwise THIS could happen to you:

Crumpled Bike

Uh huh.

It’s like reading the end of Old Yeller all over again.

My legs went weak when I first saw the destruction.

Five minutes later I found myself sitting awkwardly on the running board of the car.  Apparently in my fragile state I opted to sit pinned between the door and the seat rather than just collapsing back into the driver’s seat.  Traumatic episodes tend to have that effect.

The Second Thing

After you futilely attempt to use your bike as a battering ram and your wife asks “what was THAT?”   I recommend you DON’T respond with:

“That was my f*cking bike.”

Especially NOT when the kids are still in the car.

Commit these two simple lessons to memory and you will find bliss.

Here endeth the lesson.

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Written by eber

July 5, 2009 at 7:52 am

he STILL likes the bad guys

with 3 comments

Remember back here, when we learned how great it was to share the experience that is The Trilogy with my oldest son?

And remember how it all took a turn for the worse..suddenly theFirst Born became enamored with all characters dark and villainous.

Trust me. Back when I thought it was a good idea to expose a 4 year old to Star Wars, I did indeed go through the “goodly parent” checklist before pushing play.

Q: Am I just going to plunk the kid down in front of the tube so I can get something else done?

A: Heck no – I am going to plunk both the kid AND the dad down in front of the tube…the tube can baby sit BOTH of us.  [check]

Q: Will this be an activity that educates or is it just a mindless waste of time?

A: Are you kidding?  It’s STAR WARS!  Think how much smarter Einstein would have been had he lived long enough to be enlightened by the great theatrical masterpiece that is The Trilogy.  [check]

Q: What’s the MPAA rating?

A: PG – and we are talking 1977 PG so that is like the uber G rating in today’s terms.  [check]

Okay, goodly parent checklist complete.

[6 months later]

As we walked over to pick up theFirst Born from Sunday School, his teacher was waiting at the door.  Red faced.  Tears streaming down her cheeks.  Laughing uncontrollably.

Uh oh.

Apparently the lesson was on prayer.  When she asked for examples of what we can pray for theFirst Born responded:

“Heavenly Father, HELP ME, HELP ME.  Please Heavenly Father help me put my head back on.”

[crickets]

Back when I was going through the checklist, how was I supposed to remember everything on the “goodly parent” checklist AND the part in Star Wars when Luke sabers Vader’s head off while training in the Degoba System?

It wasn’t even the REAL vader…it was more like a dream.

theWife isn’t buying it.  Now SHE goes over the checklist with me before I put any Father/Son plans in action.

Like I said, Sundays BEFORE kids was MUCH different.

Written by eber

May 10, 2009 at 12:00 am

funny how fings change

with 7 comments

Ahh…Sunday, blessed Sunday.

Sure the whole day-of-rest thing is great and all, but for theWife and I Sundays used to be all about the  Starland Vocal Band.  Okay not really the band, but the song.  Okay not really the song, but the lyrics.  Okay not really the lyrics, but the putting of the lyrics into practice.  That’s right…Afternoon Delight.

So theWife and I had a pretty sweet thing going.  Every Sunday.  Like clockwork.  Skyrockets in flight.

Then it all happened so quickly.  Check that…IT didn’t happen so quickly, but “it” happened so quickly.

You know, “it” being the moment we heard “the Noise”.  At the MOST inopportune time theWife says “did you hear THAT?”

In fact, I DID hear “that”.  Suddenly our  expressions and…[ahem] postures were much different than they were just moments before.

Looking around…we saw nothing.  Maybe just the house creaking.  Right, that’s what it was…shifting foundation.

“Wait…did you leave the door open?”

“Nope.”

“If not you, then WHO?”

Turns out…it wasn’t the house settling.

Do you remember the Independent George episode on Seinfeld?  You getting my drift?  WORLD’S COLLIDING!

Our Afternoon Delight world had collided with No More Napping world.

So I walk into theFirst Born’s bedroom, where he is sitting on his bed.  His face white as a sheet.  Unable to look me in the eyes.

“Hey buddy! Whatcha doin?”

“Nuffin.”

“How was your nap?”

“I saw you and mommy doin funny fings.”

[chirp, chirp]

I had no words.

What do you SAY?  What could you POSSIBLY say?  He was THREE YEARS OLD.

Well, needless to say we have had to find other reasons to like Sunday afternoons.

Chutes & Ladders anyone?

Written by eber

April 9, 2009 at 12:32 pm

he likes the bad guys

with 4 comments

A blessed occurrence happened this past November.

theFirst Born and I had one of those cherished bonding moments that will be forever etched in memory (or on the blog).   Over one glorious weekend I introduced him to The Trilogy.  It goes without saying he has been forever changed.  For a week after being exposed he walked around breathing heavily and talking through clenched teeth (this must be a 4-year old’s interpretation of Darth Vader: “I can hear him talking and breathing but his mouth isn’t moving”).

Funny thing though…he NEVER pretends to be Luke or Han Solo (my personal favorite). He always wants to be Darth Vader and he only ever uses the RED lightsaber.

“Dad, your lightsaber is green.  MINE IS RED…he he he.”

Thankfully he has yet to mime the dreaded Vader Choke. That will likely come when he is 16…can’t wait for that.

Side note: what father wouldn’t feel a sense of attachment when his son says: “Dad…Princess Leia is BEAUTIFUL.”  I remember thinking the same thing…WHEN I WAS TWELVE.  To his credit he also tells his Mom the same almost daily and thankfully he still hasn’t figured out the difference between Leia in a white robe and Leia in the Jabba bikini. At least some youthful innocence is intact.

Anyhoo, as I was saying…bad guys.

Another of his favorites is Hopper from A Bug’s Life.  As you watch the first ten seconds of the video below picture my 4 year old son with his arms folded behind his back, high stepping around the house; facial expression fixed in permanent grimace.

Admittedly, it is very entertaining.

Up until last week I thought his deference to villainous characters was a passing fancy.  Then theWife took him on his first trip to the library where after looking through the comprehensive children’s offering, he chose THIS of all titles:

villains1

Disney Villains: The Essential Guide.

I think I have created a monster.

Did I mention he is only FOUR YEARS OLD?

In hindsight, that fateful weekend in November may be identified as:

a)  the turning point, after I’ve been ambushed Menendez style

or

b)  the impetus of a life in Hollywood landing roles a la Willem Dafoe, Kevin Spacey, or  Alec Baldwin

On second thought maybe me going out in a fury of Menendez violence is better than theFirst Born turning out like Alec Baldwin.

I’m in trouble…aren’t I?

Written by eber

February 25, 2009 at 10:18 pm