namely, fit for a dog

i have problems

with 10 comments

I like to eat food.

I mean I REALLY like to eat food.  But not all food.  For instance, theWife joined a veggie co-op last year and every other Thursday she comes home with this:


Which doesn’t excite me all that much.  You see my body has a daily vegetable quota.  Once I reach the quota the next bite of vegetable usually makes me all gaggy and such.

No.  This is more like what I prefer theWife bring home from the co-op:

Junk Food

Oh sweet mercy.

[Sidebar: Dug I know you are seeing those Cosmic Brownies and think you have found your culprit.  I’m innocent.  Boo’ing is an impossible task for me…I consume the treats long before they make it to the door.]

Problem #1

Over the years I have developed a Pavlovian response to junk food.

It all started as a child.

Growing up we had The Third Drawer (my friends coined the phrase). The Third Drawer was the third drawer down on the left side of the stove in our kitchen and Mom kept it fully stocked with junk food…much to my (and my friends) liking.  In all my youth, I can never remember a time when the third drawer wasn’t brimming with artery clogging, waistline expanding yumminess.

Over the years, my fondness for treats has evolved into an addiction.  Literally.

Case in point, we ate dinner with Mark and Rachel a couple weeks back.  Rachel being famous for her skills whipped up a wicked cake of lemony deliciousness and combined it with chocolate pools of heaven.  Being the great hostess she is, she sent us home with a sizeable portion of what was left of the cake.  I ate two slices at dinner and then most of what she sent home.  Looking back I think I ate half of that cake.  HALF.  By myself.

Herein lies one of my problems.  I can’t say no when offered junk food.  I can’t stop myself from finding and consuming junk food.  I know where every junk food stash is at the office.  I can never stop with just one.  I usually will eat junk food until I am sick.  I even eat when it doesn’t sound good.  I can’t stop myself.

Admittedly, my “habit” is a running punchline at the office.  That’s not good right?

Problem #2

I am getting older.

I was blessed with good genes.  My parents are thin.  I grew up thin – so thin, in fact, my friends would  ask me to pull up my shirt and suck in to show the rib cage in all it’s glory.  They used to call me Alien.  Nice, huh?

These days when I pull up the shirt and suck in…it looks the same as when I don’t suck in.  Bulbous.

Age and junk food began to collide around 2001.  That was the year we bought 19 boxes of girl scout cookies from a nice lady at work.  One month later I was complaining to theWife that all of the girl scout cookies were gone.  She said of all 19 BOXES she had only eaten one sleeve of thin mints.  Houston, we had a problem.

So what I am about to type is not based in vanity, more to illustrate the point.

When I met theWife in college, I was spending 4-5 days a week out climbing the crags around St. George, consequently I was in pretty good shape.  The first time theWife saw me with my shirt off her comment was “look at your body.”

Today? She calls me Shrek.

I think she has a fair argument for bait and switch.

Problem #3

Further, emphasizing the problem are the guys in the neighborhood.  All great guys to be sure, but all also are incredibly fit and much faster than me on a bike.

Sam is the Wunderkind.  It appears Mark has affixed anvils where his calves should be.  Rick looks like he just came off the Pro Tour.  Erik is almost always shirtless in 60 degrees.  JDub and I started in about the same place a year ago and now I can’t catch him up a climb.  Even Dug – the elder statesman – in an off year, is no slouch on the bike.

Eating junk food like I do makes it nigh impossible to match pedal strokes with these dudes.

Problem #4

With all the riding I did this year in prep for Leadville and LOTOJA I actually lost weight…20lbs.  That’s great right?  Correction, that WAS great.  Only, one month after LOTOJA I have put 10 lbs back on.  ONE MONTH.

What’s worse is I look like I have added 30 lbs.

Last weekend I put on the jersey and shorts to go out and ride some dirt for a few hours and this is what I saw in the mirror:

Fat Guy in a Kit

I’ve got rolls and ripples popping up all over the place.

That’s it.  I resolve to not gain weight this winter.

Problem #5

So I started with some ab workouts.  It was hot that morning, so I had my shirt off.  I was laying on my back crunching and twisting when I heard it.

It sounded like a fart.  Funny, didn’t smell like one. Come to think of it…didn’t come from the traditional location either.  Slightly perplexed I continued with my routine.

When it happened again I was horrified. I had pinpointed the source.  It was a back flab fart.

What on the great green earth is a back flab fart you ask?

Well my friends, a back flab fart occurs when you eat too damn much junk food, don’t exercise enough, take off your shirt and do ab workouts on a yoga mat.  Combining blub rolls and sweat on a non-absorbant surface traps pockets of air that rupture as you roll about…thus creating the back flab fart.

To quote Kramer:

Look away, I’m hideous.


Written by eber

October 30, 2009 at 6:40 am

10 Responses

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  1. I hear ya, brother. I tried a race fit jersey from Rick, but it revealed a mass of unsightly bulges. My wife took one look and said something about that not being a good look for me. I gave the jersey back in shame.

    And I was like you, skinny as a rail. My metabolism gave up on me around age 35, as if to say “you’re on your own now”. Harsh.

    Perhaps you and I need to form a support group since I’m similarly afflicted. My only concern is that instead of supporting each other to eat better and exercise, we may introduce new junk food to each other – like a crack head meeting a heroine addict.

    All those guys are faster and fitter than me too. If you need an ego boost ride with me.


    October 30, 2009 at 8:10 am

  2. okay, i want to comment on the fact that your “veggie co-op” has given you nothing but fruit.

    i want to comment on how my metabolism betrayed me.

    i want to comment on how when cic said “look at your body” she was only trying to distract herself from your hair.

    but i just can’t get past the “dug, the elder statesman.”

    oh the humanity.


    October 30, 2009 at 8:25 am

  3. I thought back flab farts were normal and everyone had them.


    October 30, 2009 at 9:18 am

  4. Am I the only one who wants more info on this veggie co-op?

    That is something I needs in my life.

    Spencer Parker

    October 30, 2009 at 10:22 am

  5. Back flab farts – classic. I can do those on Annie’s pilates machines, the kids think they’re great. Good stuff man, the intake of 19 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies in a month deserves it’s own post.


    October 30, 2009 at 12:13 pm

  6. Can’t Stop Laughing.
    Blog and comments had me doubled over.


    October 30, 2009 at 7:49 pm

  7. I’m a Chaquita Banana and I’m here to say, Bananas like to ripen in a certain way. We are just gettin ripe for the pickins!

    Nate Kingdon

    October 30, 2009 at 9:14 pm

  8. I got a pic of Riessen with his shirt off from the Big Cottonwood ride. I’ll post it soon.

    nate kingdon

    October 31, 2009 at 9:13 pm

  9. Unadulterated words, some unadulterated words dude. Totally made my day.


    November 25, 2009 at 11:32 am

  10. […] Which would be life sustaining, if that is all I consumed over the winter and hadn’t already established that I have some restraint issues when it comes to junk food. […]

    22 « theZeph

    April 11, 2010 at 8:26 am

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