namely, fit for a dog

100 miles of nowhere

with 13 comments

Some ideas are better than others.

Elden put out a call for entries to his 2nd Annual 100 Miles of Nowhere bike race.   The name comes from last year’s inaugural “race” in Elden’s basement where he was the only entrant and rode the entire 100 miles on his stationary rollers.  That’s right…he rode his rollers for 100 miles straight.  Without moving ANYWHERE.  I think this idea fits nicely in the “others” category.

This year Elden mixed it up a bit to help raise funds for the Lance Armstrong Foundation and the fight against cancer.  He opened up entry to basically the world and he also gave us all a little latitude to boot.  As long as the ride was a short circuit he would count it.  And the best part?  Each of us wins our own race…because theoretically we wouldn’t be racing against anyone else.  That’s a good idea.

Some of Elden’s readers had some pretty unique ideas:

  • One guy programmed his computerized trainer to ride downhill for the entire 100 miles.  This idea goes in the “better” category.
  • One group was able to score time on a local velodrome.  Kind of like Nascar on bikes.
  • A group in London rode 160 laps around the Inner Circle of Regents Park
  • One guy rode the ENTIRE 100 miles looping his cul-de-sac (another idea that belongs in the “others” category).

So I decided to try a route that would not only be interesting, but would also be great training for Leadville.  I opted to circle Suncrest and the Point of the Mountain 5 times.  With Suncrest perched at 6200 feet I was in for a pretty nasty day of climbing.

Race Preparation

For a one man race of this magnitude I had to take my preparation seriously.  First item on the agenda…shave the legs (to milk the aerodynamic advantage of course).

And because I dig the silky smoothness.

In lieu of shaving, this year I decided to go chemical.  A friend has been bugging me to try a fancy cream called Magic Smooth for over a year now.  theWife suggested I use her bottle of Nair before I mix it up with the big boys and Magic Smooth.

Following the instructions I “smoothed on thickly and did not rub in”.  Wait 4 minutes.  Wipe off.

Are you kidding me!  It was THAT simple?

Question for the ladies:  why would any of you EVER shave again?  Nair is a MIRACLE.

I was so effusive in my new found love of Nair that theWife said with apprehension:  “I am going to come home to a totally hairless you, aren’t I?”

Remember the Seinfeld episode where Jerry “did something stupid” and then couldn’t stop?

I couldn’t stop either.

Nair is just SO addicting.

As a consequence I think I am sleeping on the couch for a few weeks.  At least until I no longer resemble a Canadian Hairless cat.

Race Day

So it rained pretty much the entire day and night before the race.  I feared I would be relegated to the drudgery that is riding 100 miles on the trainer in the basement.  Oh, the horror.

Instead, this is what I woke up to Monday morning:


Dry roads and the sun rising.

Lap One – What an Amazing Day for a Ride

Erik R escorted me around the first lap.  Set a new PR on the downhill…60.1 MPH.  I was so shocked by the speed, I almost catastrophed into the guard rail doing the double take to recheck the speed.  That was exciting.

The conversation with Erik made the first lap pass quickly.  Thanks Erik.

Here is a shot of Erik heading down the north side of Suncrest:


Check out the clouds.  Living at Suncrest is pretty much okay.

Lap 2 – Feeling Pretty Spry

After climbing south Suncrest and parting ways with Erik I turned around and headed back down the south side to make the loop around the Point for the first ascent up the dreaded north side of Suncrest.  Things were going so well I decided to take a self portrait.  Here I am rolling down the Highland Highway:

Self Portrait


Does that picture make my butt look big?

Lap 3 – North Suncrest Sucks…But I’m Already 40 Miles In

Really, it does suck.

Riding up an 11% grade for a prolonged amount of time has a tendency to cause great pain and deep reflection.  Now things were starting to get interesting.  The descent off the north side was great, but I started thinking I still had to climb the north and south sides of Suncrest THREE MORE TIMES.  I started to move my route into the “others” category of ideas.

At least the day was still amazing.  Here’s the view as I approached the second ascent up south Suncrest:


Lap 4 – Lyrical Clarity

So something interesting happened on Lap 4.  At about mile 70 I started noticing on the iPod that some lyrics were decidedly more distinct than others:

  • “Your engine’s dead, there’s something wrong”
  • “Twice as ha-ard, as it was the first time”
  • “Nothing is real but pain now”
  • “Under pressure”
  • “Had a bad day again”
  • “Your beast of burden, my back is broad, but it’s a hurtin”
  • “House of pain”

You seeing a pattern here?   I was turning into a mental midget (or a mental little person).

[Challenge: I have a packet of cola flavored Shot Bloks for the first person to name the song and band for all the lyrics above.  Banks you are not eligible.]

As I was saying…yeah though I ride through the valley of death.

As I rounded the corner for the next climb up north Suncrest I ran into this:


Uh huh.  I was going straight.

Lap 5 – Just…Go…On…Without…Me

The second climb up north Suncrest was quite possibly the single most painful 30 minutes of my life.  Even the descent couldn’t pump life back into my limp noodle legs.

Until I saw this on my last run across the frontage road:

Glen Beck

It was like a light at the end of the tunnel. A beacon in the storm.

No matter how terrible I was feeling at mile 90, it could be SO much worse.  For instance, I could be going to see Glenn Beck at the state capitol on May 30th.

Suddenly I felt MUCH better.


The last climb up south Suncrest was sloooooooooowww.  Pedaling squares as they say.

I finished.

Here is the evidence…proudly wearing the spoils (based on the drawing my left leg must have carried the burden of most of the climbing):

Dead Body


100 Miles

8500 Feet of Climbing

Max Speed = 60.1 MPH (descending north Suncrest)

Min Speed = 4.9 MPH (ascending north Suncrest)

Elapsed Time = 6 hours 54 minutes

Most importantly Fatty and everyone who rode their own version of 100 Miles of Nowhere raised over $20,000 for the Lance Armstrong Foundation.

That definitely does not suck.

See you next year.

P.S.  Here’s the route:






Written by eber

May 27, 2009 at 9:31 pm

13 Responses

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  1. Nice work buddy. VERY IMPRESSIVE


    May 27, 2009 at 9:42 pm

  2. Very nice ride, and excellent writeup. It reminds me of a century I’ve been thinking of doing sometime: the 100 Miles of Suncrest. Just up and over Suncrest, as many times as necessary to make 100 miles.

    I think I’ll do it sometime early in July. I’ll be sure to invite you.


    May 27, 2009 at 10:18 pm

  3. Your a horse man, and 60 mph is fast!


    May 28, 2009 at 5:07 am

  4. that, my friend, defines the word commitment……NICE WORK!

    without googling:
    1. ?????
    2. Black Crowes
    3. Metallica
    4. Queen
    5. R.E.M but could be FUEL (????)
    5. Faster Pussycat


    May 28, 2009 at 6:30 am

  5. oops….
    1. ???
    2. Metallica
    3. Queen
    4. R.E.M, maybe Fuel (???)
    5. Stones
    6. Faster Pussycat

    Left one off the list……………..and I give up, what is the first one?


    May 28, 2009 at 6:36 am

  6. Good idea for the ride (if good = crazy). Nice work.

    Hairless? The itchy stubble you are about to endure is considered harsh interrogation methods.


    May 28, 2009 at 7:20 am

  7. What? You didn’t improve your TT time on any of those laps? Come on.


    May 28, 2009 at 9:01 am

  8. mark – i actually thought about it on the way up the first time, then forgot to look at my time at the top because I was so apprehensive for the rest of the day.


    May 28, 2009 at 9:18 am

  9. Just re read the comments and WTF is wrong with me? Could I f*ck that list up any worse?

    1. ????
    2. Black Crowes
    3. Metallica
    4. Queen
    5. R.E.M or maybe FUEL
    6. Stones
    7. Faster Pussycat



    May 28, 2009 at 10:04 am

  10. wow. all i can say is WOW.


    May 28, 2009 at 11:31 am

  11. Funny write-up. Very funny. Also, I am proud of you. And no need to sleep on the couch my hairless wonder, once the itching starts you’ll definitely rethink abusing Nair. By the way, who in their right mind would want the cola flavored Shot Bloks anyway — I don’t think you even want them.


    May 28, 2009 at 9:01 pm

  12. Good stuff, great cause! 60 mph…..I believe you could be the cause of sleepless nights. Let’s not tell your Mom.


    June 11, 2009 at 7:58 pm

  13. I normally do not take the time to leave comments, but it is difficult to find actual infomation on this subject today. You did a wonderful job in this post and I am going to take the time to look at the rest of your posts. Keep up the great work!


    December 14, 2009 at 2:05 am

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